The message came from a friend of my brother's, a guy I have seen once since middle school. While my first thought upon reading the message was, ahem, something I don't think I need to print, my second thought was, "This is hilarious. I will respond, then copy it all to my blog."
P.S. Rachel Robbins, if you read this, please know that I actually LOVE Utah and want to come visit you.
I hope you enjoy this as much as my mother and I did:
A proposal
Lee Reeves November 18 at 11:42pmDear Logan,I’m writing you today with a proposal. Something that has been on my mind quite a while now. I think that you and I should date, and eventually be married. (I told you this was a proposal) Yes, I know this may come as a shock to you especially since we have not spoken in a while. However, I am very convinced this is the right decision, and hopefully by the end of this letter you will be too. I’ll start by reminding you that when you were in 7th grade we had the same chorus class. If you recall we often flirted during this class. Of course it was middle school, but one cannot deny the intense connection we shared. I know some where deep down you think about this from time to time. Obviously we’ve changed since then, but 21 is just 12 backwards only way better. For instance I no longer put gel in my hair, and if you like you could style my hair any way you want. I’ve also become a much less picky eater, and I’ll eat anything you bring home from your future culinary classes. I’ll even make you laugh while I eat it. Occasionally I make people laugh. Just imagine you’re having a hard day at school. That jerk, chef professor won’t cut you any slack, but when you get home I’ll devour that torta rustica and tell you a knock knock joke. Then, knowing you need a something fun to look forward to I’ll buy you and your girl friends Justin Nozuka tickets. I won’t even mind if you dance on stage with him as long as you agree to travel to Brazil with me in the summer. I know you love to travel, and so do I. I know what you’re thinking though, “Lee, how will you ever have the money for Nozuka tickets and Brazil?” Well Logan, I will have an excellent business degree after I graduate from Auburn. I know that money isn’t everything, but thats why I give a mean back scratch. Not to mention if you need some jewelry I have perfected the art of macaroni necklaces. I might even propose with a mac and cheese engagement ring. Then we could elope because true love shouldn’t be a show for the world, but we could shout out our love from the roof tops if we so desire. Now Logan I know you have to be thinking “Lee, this seems like the most perfect plan ever. What’s the catch?” I was afraid you would ask this, but I’m going to be honest with you. I am not actually in love with you. Recently Alex, Ryan (my roommate), and I were planning how we could hang out forever. We decided marrying each others sisters would be the perfect way to accomplish this. I understand this could be a deal breaker. Why would you want to be a with a guy who only pretends to love you? I’ll tell you why. Because eventually every guy will be pretending. When he realizes that, he might just leave, but since I’ve always known that I’m pretending I won’t leave. You will have someone who seems to care for you in a deep way forever. I promise you won’t be able to tell a difference. Think about it. I’ll always put up with the stuff that annoys me. I’ll apologize every time I’m wrong no questions asked. We can decorate the house any way you want. Basically you will have it all. Just say yes.With (fake) love,Lee Reeves
Logan Baker November 19 at 9:37aDear Lee,While I appreciate the (fake) sentiments and the obvious thought you've put into this plan, I'm afraid I cannot accept your proposal. Instead of just blowing you off like most girls would, I will include substantial support in my argument against this idea us marrying.In 7th grade, I was (trying) to flirt with Tyler McMullen. Megan Castleberry and I thought he was quite the "hottie," so I offer my deepest condolences for your misinterpretation of my juvenile attempts at capturing his interest.As far as culinary school goes, I'm going for patisserie and baking, and I don't remember seeing meat-filled pastries in the curriculum; therefore, I will not be making torta rustica, and you would either have to go hungry or risk becoming diabetic after eating my sugary assignments each night. Going along with that, I think jokes are highly overrated. If you bought me tickets to see Justin Nozuka and he asked me to dance on stage with him, I'm pretty sure that would lead him to eventually propose to me, too. I would accept, and we would all have to move to Utah for that to work out. Utah is a little too cold for my taste, so I would end up leaving you pretty quickly and running away with Justin. Maybe we would even run away to Brazil, just for the sheer irony of it all.When it comes to jewelry, I prefer turquoise. Everyone knows mac & cheese is not, nor will it ever be, turquoise. I know it's been said that if you like it you should put a ring on it, but what isn't often mentioned is that you can't put the ring on it if she doesn't like it. Make sense?So even though I think your little plan is clever, I just don't think it's going to work out. It's so nice to know that no man will ever truly love me; Disney ruined that truth for me when I was little, and I guess the Bible lied to me as well. Thank you for your honesty.And I hear our niece, Emerson, is still on the market. She's two, so you might have to work on potty-training her and teaching her not to eat her mac & cheese ring.(Not) sincerely,Logan Baker
P.S. you're kind of weird
A proposal
Lee Reeves November 18 at 11:42pm
Dear Logan,
I’m writing you today with a proposal. Something that has been on my mind quite a while now. I think that you and I should date, and eventually be married. (I told you this was a proposal) Yes, I know this may come as a shock to you especially since we have not spoken in a while. However, I am very convinced this is the right decision, and hopefully by the end of this letter you will be too. I’ll start by reminding you that when you were in 7th grade we had the same chorus class. If you recall we often flirted during this class. Of course it was middle school, but one cannot deny the intense connection we shared. I know some where deep down you think about this from time to time. Obviously we’ve changed since then, but 21 is just 12 backwards only way better. For instance I no longer put gel in my hair, and if you like you could style my hair any way you want. I’ve also become a much less picky eater, and I’ll eat anything you bring home from your future culinary classes. I’ll even make you laugh while I eat it. Occasionally I make people laugh. Just imagine you’re having a hard day at school. That jerk, chef professor won’t cut you any slack, but when you get home I’ll devour that torta rustica and tell you a knock knock joke. Then, knowing you need a something fun to look forward to I’ll buy you and your girl friends Justin Nozuka tickets. I won’t even mind if you dance on stage with him as long as you agree to travel to Brazil with me in the summer. I know you love to travel, and so do I. I know what you’re thinking though, “Lee, how will you ever have the money for Nozuka tickets and Brazil?” Well Logan, I will have an excellent business degree after I graduate from Auburn. I know that money isn’t everything, but thats why I give a mean back scratch. Not to mention if you need some jewelry I have perfected the art of macaroni necklaces. I might even propose with a mac and cheese engagement ring. Then we could elope because true love shouldn’t be a show for the world, but we could shout out our love from the roof tops if we so desire. Now Logan I know you have to be thinking “Lee, this seems like the most perfect plan ever. What’s the catch?” I was afraid you would ask this, but I’m going to be honest with you. I am not actually in love with you. Recently Alex, Ryan (my roommate), and I were planning how we could hang out forever. We decided marrying each others sisters would be the perfect way to accomplish this. I understand this could be a deal breaker. Why would you want to be a with a guy who only pretends to love you? I’ll tell you why. Because eventually every guy will be pretending. When he realizes that, he might just leave, but since I’ve always known that I’m pretending I won’t leave. You will have someone who seems to care for you in a deep way forever. I promise you won’t be able to tell a difference. Think about it. I’ll always put up with the stuff that annoys me. I’ll apologize every time I’m wrong no questions asked. We can decorate the house any way you want. Basically you will have it all. Just say yes.
With (fake) love,
Lee Reeves
Logan Baker November 19 at 9:37a
Dear Lee,
While I appreciate the (fake) sentiments and the obvious thought you've put into this plan, I'm afraid I cannot accept your proposal. Instead of just blowing you off like most girls would, I will include substantial support in my argument against this idea us marrying.
In 7th grade, I was (trying) to flirt with Tyler McMullen. Megan Castleberry and I thought he was quite the "hottie," so I offer my deepest condolences for your misinterpretation of my juvenile attempts at capturing his interest.
As far as culinary school goes, I'm going for patisserie and baking, and I don't remember seeing meat-filled pastries in the curriculum; therefore, I will not be making torta rustica, and you would either have to go hungry or risk becoming diabetic after eating my sugary assignments each night. Going along with that, I think jokes are highly overrated. If you bought me tickets to see Justin Nozuka and he asked me to dance on stage with him, I'm pretty sure that would lead him to eventually propose to me, too. I would accept, and we would all have to move to Utah for that to work out. Utah is a little too cold for my taste, so I would end up leaving you pretty quickly and running away with Justin. Maybe we would even run away to Brazil, just for the sheer irony of it all.
When it comes to jewelry, I prefer turquoise. Everyone knows mac & cheese is not, nor will it ever be, turquoise. I know it's been said that if you like it you should put a ring on it, but what isn't often mentioned is that you can't put the ring on it if she doesn't like it. Make sense?
So even though I think your little plan is clever, I just don't think it's going to work out. It's so nice to know that no man will ever truly love me; Disney ruined that truth for me when I was little, and I guess the Bible lied to me as well. Thank you for your honesty.
And I hear our niece, Emerson, is still on the market. She's two, so you might have to work on potty-training her and teaching her not to eat her mac & cheese ring.
(Not) sincerely,
Logan Baker
P.S. you're kind of weird
